His Jealousy Found Me

Driving to work, baby in the backseat. I suddenly became hyper aware of the lyrics dancing around our car...

A curse word was uttered.

Despite being the only adult in the car, I gasped.

I quickly changed the station.

A whisper in my heart said, “Beloved, I am here.”

I scanned the stations until stopping on a song that sang of loving like I’m not scared, giving when it’s not fair, Living life for another...

I looked in my rear view mirror and my eyes filled with tears as I saw my 5 month old daughter’s head. Her innocence dependent upon my direction.

The song continued to speak of taking time for a brothers fighting for the weak ones...

I knew that my life would never be the same.

Motherhood rocked me to my very core.

A stirring in my heart said, “Come to me beloved, find peace in what I have to offer.”

The song weaved a melody with inspiration. Singing of speaking out for freedom, finding faith in the battle, and standing tall.

Tears streamed down my face as they sang of Him.

That above all we need to fix our eyes on Him.

My eyes for the last decade had been self involved, distracted, prideful, filled with pleasing my earthly self.

I was lost.

The birth of my daughter awakened this yearning for being found.

That day in the car, God knew I was searching.

He reached out to me with his jealous love through powerful lyrics.

He forever changed the direction of my mind and my heart.

From that point forward, I pledged to live out “self care” into a whole new way...the way God intended.

I needed self care, but not in the way the world suggests. I needed to revitalize my faith. I needed to serve others to heal my emptiness. I needed to immerse myself into the truth to provide self care. I needed to take the reigns on this new, most important, crucial role in my life.

I needed to choose Jesus.

I needed to take that renewed faith and pour that into my mothering. My daughter was my ministry.

I didn’t need success.

I didn’t need fame.

I didn’t need recognition.

I didn’t need fancy things.

I didn’t need a giant house.

I didn’t need to travel the world.

I needed to empower my daughter with God’s unending, unconditional love.

That was 5 years ago.

I may have a messy, emotional, chaotic, uncertain life with two little girls, “post cancer”, married to a enneagram 1 (I am the opposite)... but despite all of my failings, my shortcomings, the disappointment... I have a fire within me.

I have hope, faith, love and joy like I have never experienced in my life. All from saying, “yes,” that day in the car.